Boob Phone

I have to make a confession. I break the law. Yes I do. I talk on my phone while driving. In CA that is a no no. I do not do it often, but I just can't seem to ignore a ringing phone. It might be an emergency, or George Clooney calling to tell me he has come to his senses and I am the woman of his dreams:) I have been petrified I am going to get pulled over and get an expensive ticket, so I was thrilled when I recently heard about a "legal" way to talk on your phone without a bluetooth. That is where the boob phone comes in. You can put your phone on speaker and put it down the middle of your bra and your boobs will hold it in place. Sounds pretty clever doesn't it. Problem is I do not have the largest boobs, so it keeps sliding sideways and than the person on the other end gets an echo or cannot hear me. But it is legal, so you have to take the bad with the good. One tip if you decide to try this. If you have a slide phone, be very careful when you hang up!!! When hubs saw the blood blister on my boob, I was hoping he would be jealous and ask me who I was having an affair with. Instead he just looked at me and said "you really need to stop using the boob phone".

Fat Dog and Fat Dogs Mom go on a diet

Well Fat Dog and her mom have decided we need to go on a diet. When I took Fat Dog to be squeezed, they delicately told me that Fat Dog is, well fat!!! She weighed in at 16lbs 4oz. I forgot to ask if that was before or after she was squeezed. Over the years I have managed to get a bit "fluffy" myself. What can I say? I eat when sad, stressed, mad, happy, and for all major holidays. Heck I eat for every and any reason. When I was in my 20's and even part of my 30's, that was not an issue. I could eat 2 Big Mac's and a large fry and not gain an ounce. I cannot even say Big Mac now without gaining at least 5 pounds. On the other hand, my wonderful hubs can eat anything and not gain an ounce. Of course he is almost bald, so I have one up on him in that department. Anyway, back to the diet. Fat Dog and I started it this weekend, yesterday to be exact. I have her starting weight and I have mine. I would tell you mine, but than I would have to kill you, so I will keep it to myself. Besides, I do not think I would look good in a prison jumpsuit. We started Fat Dogs diet by putting the dog food up and only feeding once a day instead of dry feeding. We started my diet by only having three pieces of chocolate before bedtime, instead of 6. It was tough, but sacrifices have to be made. I also will be using my elliptical machine that I recently bought at a garage sale for $40. The lady I bought it from was "fluffy" also, so hopefully I will have better results than she did before she sold it to me. Fat Dog will watch me do the elliptical tonight. The big difference will be that she will not get a snack for watching me. I will keep you all updated with the progress of our Fat Dog Diet:)

Remodeling and what not to do

Well hubs and I have decided that the bathroom needs to be remodeled. Not a full blown remodel, just paint, redecorate and replace the toilet. Bathroom is now a icky green (what can I say the paint was only $5 on sale), and sort of a cowboy theme. After all, I do live in Horsetown USA. We are going with a very pretty pale yellow, almost cream, and a bit darker creme for the ceiling and one wall. Will be putting up wainscoting in white, with a wide baseboard and decorative crown molding. This will be white also. This part should be easy. Famous last words!! Where it gets tricky is replacing the toilet. We only have 1 bathroom. Repeat, 1 bathroom. Whenever we do anything that involves the toilet it takes great planning. By planning, I mean that we get out a bucket for emergencies and hope that we do not have to use it. I know icky, but what you gonna do??? Nearest gas station is over a mile away. Last time hubs changed out the toilet, it did not go as planned and it took quite a bit longer than normal. Here is where the what not to do comes in. When using a bucket, do not put your full weight on it. It sort of sunctions you in. I had to be rescued. Luckily only by hubs and not the fire department. That would have been way too humiliating:)

Cherish your loved ones

This weekend I received some very sad news. My friends husband passed away. Suzanne and I met on the Metrolink. We took the train together everyday. She worked in Irvine and I work in Cypress. About a year ago, her company moved locations and she no longer had to take the train. Suzanne is a lovely woman and we all loved to hear her talk about her husband, Dave. They had been married for almost 40 years, but to hear her talk about him, you would think they were newlyweds. I had not spoken with Suzanne in quite a while, and now I am sad that we will be brought together again under these circumstances. Suzanne is so young to be widowed and my heart is breaking for her. I hope that in time her heart ache will be eased with the wonderful memories her and Dave made together. Please hold Suzanne in your thoughts today. Take a moment to let your loved ones and friends know how much they mean to you. Life is short.

Red Haired Chicken Man

In honor of Valentines Day, I am going to tell you about the Red Haired Chicken Man. Sounds weird doesn't it. Well 15 years ago I thought so also. I was set up on a blnd date with the Chicken Man!!! I was friends with someone who was dating his colleague. I was newly divorced with a 4 year old daughter. Apparently the Chicken Man had a daughter the same age. My friends boyfriend thought we would be perfect for each other. He was not immediately identified as the Chicken Man. I asked about him and was told he has red hair, lots of chickens and lives in Norco. Wow, how could you go wrong. Howdy Doody goes country. He left a message on my answering machine. No twitter, or texting way back than. I did not return the message. I did not delete it either, as he had a very nice voice. And I kept playing it back to see if I could hear chickens in the background. What can I say? I was curious. He called again. I gave him points for perseverance, so returned his call. We talked for almost three hours. I did not even realize until we hung up that we did not bring up chickens even once. That was a Wednesday and we made a date for Saturday evening. Doorbell rang at 6pm. OH MY GOD, my heart jumped. That is one good looking red haired chicken man. As the evening wore on, I was more and more smitten. I called my friend Jeannette after our date and woke her up. I told her I was going to marry this man. After that night we were never apart. We dated for a few months and than decided it was time to introduce our daughters, and for me to see the "farm". I fell in love with both. I am a true city girl, so it was an adjustment. He had pigs, goats, chickens, geese, peacocks, and two wonderful dogs. My daughter was overwhelmed, but fell in love with the animals and the chicken man very very quickly. Guess what? We did get married. I now call him Bret. Our life has been just what I always wanted. Full of love and life. Over the years we continued with the farm animals,and at one time even had a petting zoo for the local gradeschool. Bret is a wonderful man and husband. Kids and all animals love him. What more can you ask for? We are both headstrong, so when we butt heads it is pretty spectacular. We have had our ups and downs, but that is what life is all about. He made my heart skip when I first opened my door on our first date and my heart still skips to this day. He makes me happy, sometimes he makes me scream, but the most important. He makes me whole. Here's to a lifetime of love and happiness with my Red Haired Chicken Man. By the way Fat Dog loves him too:)

Squeeze Me

Well by the title this could be a follow-up to the juicing, or possibly an early valentines post. It is neither. It is about Fat Dogs butt!!! Fat Dog has been limping a bit and also scooting around on her Fat Bottom. Well gave the vet a call and he stated "Well it is one of two things, her butt itches or her anal gland needs to be expressed". Hence the Squeeze Me. Remember when you got a dog and all you really had to do was love it, feed it, throw a ball every once in a while, and maybe let it sleep with you and keep you warm? Well apparently that is not enough anymore. I told the vet, but she is a big girl, she goes poop on her own. Even the neighbors are aware of that, as I yell it everynight at 9pm when I let all the chiwi's outside before bedtime. Not quite sure why I yell, I could easily tell them quietly one by one, but I think the yelling motivates them. Well I am wrong, going poop on her own is not enough. So what is this "expressing" going to cost me???? $30!!! Okaay, maybe I could do this myself. Never ever watch a video of a dog getting expressed before or even after you have eaten. Actually do not watch it ever!!! So Fat Dog has an appointment on Monday at 9am to "get expressed". She is going to wear a pretty pink dress with hearts on it, in honor of Valentines Day, and one of her pretty pink pearl dog collars that my friend made her. Just because she has to have a "stinky" procedure, does not mean she cannot dress like a lady:)

Rescue don't breed

Today Fat Dog and I would like to share something that is very close to our hearts. Rescue vs. breeding, and the responsibility of bringing an animal into your home. As you can see, by my pics that we have 6 dogs in our family. All of them, including Fat Dog are rescues, and all of them are spayed and neutered. I take metrolink to work everyday and often I overhear other riders talking about buying a dog, cat or bird. Of course since I am not shy, I jump right in. I cannot emphasize enough about the over abundance of animals in our shelters, especially in light of the current economic crisis. I also have several parrots that have found there way to my house. All of them had prior homes and for one reason or another, those homes could no longer care for them. There are literally thousands of animals that needs homes. Please do not "buy" an animal, please please please rescue. There is nothing more wonderful than opening up your home and heart to an animal in need. I cannot begin to tell you how great it is to be greeted every day by my animals. They ask for nothing in return except to be loved, but give so much more back. If you are unable to open your home to a rescued animal, please think about supporting your local rescue or shelter. Anything helps from monetary support to food, blankets, litter, etc. And please spay and neuter your animals, so that the number of animals does not keep growing out of proportion to the number of homes available to care for them. Fat Dog and I thank you:)

It is all my mother's fault

Ok, so I have described myself as a reluctant domestic diva. That is an understatement. But I do try. My hubs loves to garden, I do not. But I love my hubs, therefore I try. We have a ton of fresh veggies right now and I am good at steaming, so we are at least eating healthy and it is edible. Also Fat Dog loves to play in the garden along with the other dogs. She nibbles the carrot tops, and eats most of the compost pile on a daily basis. Therefore, she is FAT. Well we also have a ton of oranges, tangelos, tangerines, lemons and grapfruit. I am not quite sure why my hubs planted so much. Maybe he was planning on me putting up a fruit stand. Anyway, what do I do with pounds and pounds of citrus. Well the answer came to me late one night (or early morning), as Fat Dog and I were having a snack and watching cable TV. JUICE!!! I was inspired by the bushy eyebrows of the Juice Man. The answer to my prayers. How hard can juicing be??? Even I can juice. Live food, live body. So off to Walmart and buy the cheapest juice extractor they sell. Hey, times are tough, have to save some money here. Well after three hours and about a tenth of a cup of juice, I burned out the motor. Off to Walmart again to up the anty. Bought the $60 juicer. Now we're cooking with gas!! Alrighty three hours later and only 1/2 cup of juice. It's time for the big guns folks. QVC here I come. $350 later I have the powerhouse of juicers. This puppy can juice, clean the house and walk Fat Dog. Yeah baby, I'm gonna juice. Hubs comes in as I plug it in and tells me "Don't screw this one up". Wow, remind me why I married this wonderful supportive other half of my soul. Quickly found out why I burned up the other two juicers. You have to peel the citrus before you juice it. HUH???? If I have to peel, I might as well just eat it that way. Oh well, I am committed. I am going to juice. I told the Juice Man this at 2am. Fat Dog said she would be with me all the way. 4 hours later, covered in orange juice, seeds and pulp, with sore hands from peeling oranges, I have two whole glasses of juice. QVC, the juicer is on it's way back. Reason for return: Not user friendly:) I am not giving up. One more trip to Wallyworld for a very simple, any idiot can operate, citrus juicer. You just cut the orange in half, gently press onto the juicing cone (I am a professional by now, I know all the lingo), and presto you have fresh juice. Hubs is holding his breath, Fat Dog is trying to eat the oranges, the other chi's are jumping up and down, barking their support. I press the orange down on the cone, I hold my breath, AND there is juice. Oh my god, it is beautiful, it smells amazing, is a gorgeous orange/yellow, angels are singing in the background. I CAN JUICE!!!!!! I might just be a junior Martha Stewart. Tomorrow I am going to try baking!!!! The pitcher attached to the juicer is filling up, hubs actually tells me he loves me. Fat Dog licks my face (to get the OJ that has squirted onto my chin). I am down to the last golden orange. I pick it up, the sun bursts through the clouds, angels begin singing again, I press it down onto the cone. NOTHING!!! Hubs shakes his head and walks away, Fat Dog farts (too much citrus), the chi's go outside to eat poop , and the angels throw down their harps in disgust. Now for the answer to the million dollar question. Why is it all my mothers fault?? Because apparently she dropped me on my head several times when I was a baby.